This is more than likely stupid of me to write since I am sure I will get more greif over it than I already feel right now. First of all I hate one of my teachers and this little I guess councelor thing, they think I am like a retard because of my ADHD yes, I have had ADHD since I was six I am now eighteen and it has either gotten better, either way the shit the blame me for is nothing to do with my ADHD. Yes, I did read in class some times but thats because I get so fucking board and I try not to goto sleep. Now climbing under a table under a particular teacher's class is because its hard to go around because people are assholes and do not want to pull their fucking chairs in. I am not the only person who does that, two others do the same as I do and its not that frequent only when I come in slightly late but class has not yet started. Leaving during class its because I need to goto the bathroom because I eat lunch at 11 am and class starts at 12pm I doubt I will need to relaece myself before class starts. There was also one time where I missed an entire class that was let out early was because that day I was sick, my roomate, Misty, herself even said that I wasn't looking too well and she witnessed my sickness herself as I had to fight just to force myself to eat, so those bitches need to back off and leave me the fuck alone.
Another problem, is just that I don't think either Misty trusts me or just, I don't know, my parents would really like to meet her, but its like she never even thinks about ever coming to my house even though I have met her mom....meeting her dad is a no way in hell since her father is a racest ass hole and...well I'm kinda...sorta...little...lotta...you'd have to be blind not to beable to see I'm black so that would be a very bad thing and I do have permission to kill him so YAY! Anyways that makes me feel hurt and some what insulted in some sort of form I don't know if I should be or not I just do. So that also troubles me quiet a bit because I'd love for her to come over to spend the weekend, taste my mom's and my dad's foods.
The biggest problem is that I don't think anyone at that college is really my friend I feel like Jonni is the only one who really cares about me. I don't feel like my feelings, my likes matter like with costumings, as stupid as it sounds I really can't say I like someone and would like to cosplay them because someone else already is like, I can't cosplay as Jupiter of Sailor Moon who is my top favorite inner because a friend of Misty's and her sister is doing it. I can cosplay Saturn who is in a tie in my favorite with Pluto because Denne is doing her. I can't like or play Ren from DearS because well, Misty likes and wants to do her and when I try to talk about it I'm either ignored or just get superfisal answers like "The Look like such and so" or "I really like them" if we really wanted to get techecal I really couldn't play anyone because there is no such thing as a black female character in anime, they are just white with really dark tans. And if I do like someone no one else does I am knocked down with comments on how bad that particular person is or once again ignored. I'm not good in expressing my feelings to begin with so when I can I feel like I should just shut up because just like in high school I'm once again just the black girl. Thats all I ever am to anyone it seems, just the black girl, for some thats how I am discribed as, the black girl and its been making me more and more depressed dayly, I'm always having to just distancing myself from everyone, making my desires to cut rise slowly. I want to jump out of my dorm window and hopefully fall to my death. It makes me wish some times I didn't meet Misty, Anna or Denne, it makes me wish that I had staied in Albright and make no friends here whatso ever, it feels as if it would have been better to actually be alone because thats how I feel anyways now. As if I am alone. Its it makes me angry, feel hate and pain and angish all at the same time. Like I am screaming "Look at me, I like the same things, why don't my likes matter?" My cries and please fall on deaf ears. Always having to act like everythings alright because I'd just be thought of reading too much into things or just being a drama queen. But its none of myself or personal things or like are even heard anymore and...its like I can't do a damn thing about it. Things are always being shown off to me, look at this look what I got isn't it cute, that too drives me slightly batty but not too bad,its like I can't buy this but someone else can but I can display them so what so I can FEEL like I have them...it hurts so much I'm not even trusted around her computer or anything it drives me just...crazy almost to ending it all. I just don't understand, I know I will never truely be respected because I am black but I at least thought...I just don't know anymore I just wish I never left Albright.
On a slightly lighter note, I partied with my best friend, Dustin for his birthday. It was fun DDR and this cool racing games thats based of the manga Intial D. But I did so well on DDR and was doing very well on Sakura until after the frezee, after that it kinda went south for me but I was so proud of myself I was so happy. There were a few bad things that led me into a horrible breakdown but it was because my kyptonite was used and that always breaks me right there but Dustin told me the real story over Sushi and he was telling the truth so everything was good and fine, and that made me happy. Me, him Josh, Will and Ryana also went to see With Out a Paddle, at the $1.50 theatre wich is actually a VERY nice place. with great seats, the movie was soooooo funny we all had fun. It was truely a great day.
Happy Turkey day everyone. I will be updating best as I can.